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Three years ago, my boyfriend and I were walking down a wet and busy road on holiday in Thailand when a car swerved at a violent speed, trying to avoid a stupid biker stopping on his phone in the treacherous weather that it was. My boyfriend being the quick thinking man he is saw my frozen, terrified body in the direct vicinity of the moving car, and he jumped in front of me, pushing me away from the impact at the same time.
I was left with some nasty grazes, but other than that I was fine. My boyfriend was left paralysed from the waist down.
He now lives life in his wheelchair. He has been diagnosed with PTSD from the accident and often has flashbacks in which he’ll scream and sweat. He is distant and cold. His mental health is, to put it lightly, very bad. He spends most of his time on his PlayStation and we haven’t been physically intimate for months. If he’s not playing games, he’ll be at the pub with his mates. He does cocaine with them.
He says he can’t enjoy sex anymore. He says he doesn’t enjoy sex, with being the way he is. I’ve tried to tell him I still think he’s gorgeous and no attraction is lost. He doesn’t believe me. He has gained about four stone and finds no value in healthy life choices anymore. I feel like I’m living with my best friend who I’m in love with but like I’m in some sort of friend zone. He says I’m being paranoid. It’s him, not me. He tells me he loves me.
He has tried therapy. He has made an attempt to not do cocaine on the weekends. He doesn’t want to do it. I have tried to encourage him to do both many times.
He says he doesn’t resent me. All of my friends talk about how lucky I am and how he loves me so much, but I think that’s fucked up because they have no idea what it’s like to be in a partnership with someone who is paralysed.
My feelings are just as strong for him as they are when I fell in love with him. But I can’t do it anymore. I am exhausted. I will forever be known as the woman who left her disabled boyfriend after he saved her life at the cost of his own.